Monday, March 17, 2014
IOCULARIA 4 PIRATES
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.
As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!".
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties.
The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!".
The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?".
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid".
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!
A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...
He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.
She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.
Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.
Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.
Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it.
Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!
He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...
As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!
A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank.
After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on.
The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.
"What's that?" asks the captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the man.
"Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!"
The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair.
On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole.
"We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will".
The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.
However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man.
Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel.
To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!
The next day the captain greets him again.
"How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly.
The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"
"Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face.
"It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"