Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
IOCULARIA 14 SAINT PETER
Three guys die together and go to heaven.... St. Peter says, "We only have one rule...don't step on the ducks as they are God's favorite creation."
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it's almost impossible to not step on a duck. The first guy accidentally steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the biggest, ugliest woman he'd ever seen...
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment is to be chained to this ugly woman forever."
The next day the second guy steps on a duck...Sure enough, St. Peter comes with another ugly woman and chains them together.
Seeing this, the third guy is very, very careful. He goes for months and doesn't step on any ducks. One day, St. Peter comes along with this beautiful woman: Blonde, blue-eyed, very young and very sexy. He chains them together and leaves without a word.
The man remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve this good fortune?" And the Blonde says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
http://javacasa.com/humor/pearlygate.htm
IOCULARIA 13 DOG
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
"You know," Mom said, "it's not so bad. Skipper's probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God."
Susie stopped crying and asked, "What would God want with a dead dog?"
http://jokes.cc.com/funny-dark-humor/06xoz6/god-s-dead-dog
IOCULARIA 12 HEAD
After a year at sea, a sailor returns to his home port and walks into his favorite bar, and everyone turns to stare at him because his head has shrunk to the size of a grapefruit.
Finally, one of his oldest friends asks him what has happened.
And the sailor tells this story:
"We were at sea, and it was fine weather with a fair wind, and there wasn't much to do that day, so I decided to do a little fishing. I felt this immense tug on the line, and when I reeled in my catch, what had I caught but the most beautiful mermaid in all the seven seas! "
And she said to me, 'Mr. Sailor, sir, please, won't you let me go! I am a magical mermaid, and I can grant you your very fondest wish if only you'll release me.'
"And so I said to her, 'Well, Miss Mermaid, ever since I went to sea, I've had only one dream: to make love to a mermaid. So if we can go below...'
"But she interrupted me, and said, 'Alas, Mr. Sailor, I'm sorry, but that's the one wish I can't grant, because as you see, I'm a woman from the waist up, but I'm a fish from the waist down.'
"And so I said to her, 'Well, that's OK, Miss Mermaid. Why don't you just give me a little head?'"
http://www.thedailyparker.com/PermaLink,guid,048936cf-8eec-4e9e-88cd-a183095cc239.aspx
***
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"
IOCULARIA 11 PIANIST
A guy walks in into a bar and sees this drunk at the bar sitting there drinking, and right next to him there is this little guy playing a tiny piano.
The guy goes up to the drunk and says, "That's really cool man! Where'd you get it?"
The drunk says, "That bottle over on the end of the bar is magic all you have to do is say what ever you want into the mouth and it will immediately be granted to you.
So the guy goes over grabs the bottle and says "I want a million bucks!!!" and immediately a million ducks burst through the door to the bar.
The guy exclaims, "What the hell is this, I didn't ask for a million ducks!"
To which the drunk replies, "Do you really think I asked for a ten inch pianist?"
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20091121222359AAD9a2y
IOCULARIA 10 BLONDE
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. "
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
http://www.elftown.com/_smart%20blonde%20jokes
IOCULARIA 9 PARROT
So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.
Then it suddenly gets very quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.
After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
http://humor.mcf.com/misc/parrotjoke.html
IOCULARIA 8 FISH
So this nun is leaving the rectory to go to the market to buy some food for dinner.
She arrives at the fish market and sees the clerk there and asks him if he has any specials today.
He replies with “Well, I have all of this Goddamn fish here to sell!”
The nun replies with “Please, I am a nun, you should not use language like that with me.”
He replies, “No, that is the name of the fish. It’s really good.”
The nun decides to buy a few pounds and returns back home to the rectory.
Later that afternoon the priest walks in, and asks, “What’s for dinner?”
The nun replies, “Nothing special. Just some of this Goddamn fish.”
The priest then expresses his displeasure at the use of God’s name taken in vain, and the nun explains the fact about the name of the fish.
About an hour later, the bishop pops in and asks the same thing, going through the same steps as the priest just has.
Afterwards, he also announces that the Pope will be stopping by for dinner on his way back to Vatican City.
They all sit down to eat, and after the meal the nun leans back and says “That’s the best Goddamn fish I ever ate!”
In turn, the bishop then exclaims, “that Goddamn fish was really good!”
And, in like manner the priest then says, “I’ve eaten alot of fish, but this Goddamn fish is the best fish I ever had!”
The Pope, beaming, says to everyone, “I love you fucking guys!
IOCULARIA 7 STRUDEL
An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of a very long and productive life. The old man is in a terminal coma, and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks: "I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?" the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
IOCULARIA 6 SHIT
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know shit?”
And then she went back to reading her book. -
http://www.skepticink.com/atheistintermarried/2013/07/09/two-jokes-about-atheism/#sthash.7RTpKciI.dpuf
Monday, March 17, 2014
IOCULARIA 4 PIRATES
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.
As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!".
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties.
The crew cowered in fear, but the captain calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!".
The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, although this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?".
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid".
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!!
From http://www.piratejokes.net/jokes/top20?pg=1
***
A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...
He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.
She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.
Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.
Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.
Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it.
Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!
He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...
As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!
From http://www.piratejokes.net/jokes/top20?pg=1
***
A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank.
After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on.
The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.
"What's that?" asks the captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the man.
"Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!"
The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair.
On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole.
"We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will".
The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.
However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man.
Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel.
To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!
The next day the captain greets him again.
"How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly.
The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"
"Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face.
"It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"
From http://www.piratejokes.net/jokes/top20?pg=1
***
IOCULARIA 3 DESERT ISLAND
Three men are stranded on a desert island, when a bottle washes up on the shore.
When they uncork the bottle, a genie appears and offers three wishes.
The first wishes to be taken to Paris.
The genie snaps his fingers, and the man suddenly finds himself standing in front of the Eiffel Tower.
The second man wishes that he were in Hollywood, and with a snap of the genie's fingers, he finds himself on a Tinseltown movie set.
The third man, now alone on the island, looks around and says, "I'm lonely, bring my friends back."
From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_wishes_joke
IOCULARIA 2 CANNIBAL
Two cannibals were eating a clown.
One cannibal turns to the other and asks,
"Do you taste something funny?"
***
Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the jungle?
IOCULARIA 1 PIG
A traveling salesman gets a new job with coverage of a very rural area. He drives out to a remote house on a cold call.
As he pulls up to the house, he sees a man holding a pig up in the air so that it can reach the apples on the tree in front of the house.
Salesman stops the car, gets out. Walks over to the fence, the man sees him and gives him a friendly nod. His arms are shaking, he's beet red from exertion and he's got sweat pouring down his face.
The salesman, bewildered, asks "What are you doing there, sir?"
The man turns his head, glaring and says with utter scorn in his voice, "Can't you see I'm feeding this pig?" The pig finishes the apple it has been eating, and the farmer scoots it over to a new apple. More shaking arms, more sweat.
The salesman sits and ponders this for a while, trying to make sense of what he sees.
Finally, he ventures "Seems like a pretty time-consuming way to feed a pig."
Once again, the withering glare and the scorching disdain. "Mister, time ain't nothing to a pig!"
via http://www.metafilter.com/39614/GQs-100-Funniest-Jokes-of-All-Time
***
A traveling salesman stays overnight with a farm family.
When the family gathers to eat there’s a pig seated at the table.
And the pig has three medals hanging around his neck and a peg leg. The salesman says, “Um, I see you have a pig having dinner with you.”
“Yes,” says the farmer. “That’s because he’s a very special pig. You see those medals around his neck? Well, the first medal is from when our youngest son fell in the pond, and he was drowning, and that pig swam out and saved his life. The second medal, that’s from when the barn caught fire and our little daughter was trapped in there and the pig ran inside, carried her out and saved her life. And the third medal, that’s from when our oldest boy was cornered in the stock yard by a mean bull, and that pig ran under the fence and bit the bull on the tail and saved the boy’s life.”
“Yes,” says the salesman, “I can see why you let that pig sit right at the table and have dinner with you. And I can see why you awarded him the medals. But how did he get the peg leg?”
“Well,” says, the farmer, “a pig like that–you don’t eat him all at once.”
http://wendyknits.net/2009/11/05/a-pig-like-that/
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)